Resigned to a strange week
Squirty Tinkerscut woke up with a clanger of a hangover from a week-long celebration of Britain’s exit from the EU. He could not remember which side he had supported but, after a quick look at the person in the vomit-covered Batman costume sleeping next to him on the floor, decided it made no difference. Everyone was now in the same shit, no matter what they voted for.
After a week of blaming everyone else for the Referendum result, the whole of England has reached the point where no one gives a damn any more. In comparison with the awful prospect of the success of one of the five candidates poised to take the poisoned chalice of leader of the Conservative party, the Referendum decision to vote OUT now measures only .075 on the Richter scale.
The Rev. Bert Scrungetosser, in his fifty-minute sermon commemorating the heroics of the needless slaughter of hundreds of thousands in the Battle of the Somme, warmed to his topic in St Puke’s Presbyterian Tabernacle of the Empty Tomb Revealed, when he identified each of the Conservative leadership candidates as spores, spawns and sperms of the devil, except for Stephen Crabb the notably outstanding exception. He proclaimed Crabby as the true guardian of the holy grail of all that is notorious in Christianity, Islam and lesser know versions of mithradistic mysticisms in their attacks on Gay people and anyone who does not devote their life to extreme observances of anything pointless.
Bert’s lengthy comparison of the state of the country following Brexit to the experience of the Somme and his repetition of the mantra of ‘lions led by donkeys’ led to the congregation walking out to get to the Irish Polish club where many had booked tables for lunch and the Sunday strip show.
Icelandic football fans on their return home from their foray into Europe, were greeted with boos and pelted with fresh fish, all the rotten fish having been eaten. Each supporter was prodded with harpoons and dunked fully clothed in hot pools as punishment for the damage they had caused the good name of the country. In a country with a Viking reputation for pillaging, raping and even intermarrying with English woman, or men when women were in short supply, the timid nature of the supporters, seen clapping hands in unison and taking turns to buy beer in loot-rich France, prompted many Icelanders to vote to Leave and take over England again. This urge was quickly squashed when they realised they would be better off taking over the Artic wastes where they might gainfully club to death a few seals, or steal vodka from Russian scientists marooned on the ice.
Nige the Farage, in his resignation speech, said he was proud of the masterful way the England football team showed their true spirit in stepping out of Euro 2016 with English sovereignty undiminished. He remarked how dastardly the rest of Europe was in ganging up against the England football team. He said all the other countries had stacked the competition so that the only way England could win the cup, that was rightfully theirs because they had invented football, was by beating all the other teams in the competition.
No one realised more keenly than he himself how difficult a challenge it is to take on the whole of Europe, apart from a few extremists and dyed in the wool bigots and xenophobes. All the Europe countries had ganged up against him in the EU parliament when he told them in coded language that they were all wasters and useless tossers. Nige said he is proud to stand beside the England football team manager who upheld English freedom to control its borders by heading off somewhere warm, taking the loot like a true British banker or other person in high place, such as those in favour of Britain Leaving.
This tradition of sneaking out of the tent leaving their teams to die in the wilderness was a long and rich thread in history showing the true British spirit of bringing down disaster and then leaving others to sort it out. In his final remarks before he calls another news conference to say he has been persuaded to change his mind about resigning, Nige pointed that the Chilcot Report due out on Wednesday will give further substance to this ability to wreak havoc and then walk away.
Sally Tiddillybum, Year 3 teacher at Peckerswood Academy for the gifted and anyone passing, enlivened her lesson by using the word ‘resigned’ accompanied by ‘from’, ‘to’, ‘as’ when applied to the lead Brexiteers who jumped ship and to the little fat one with the glasses about to walk the plank. Overcome by total disinterest and in spite of dire threats and warnings of ghastly outcomes for non-cooperation, the class demonstrated the level of enthusiasm their parents now show to all reference to the Referendum; they fell asleep knowing someone else will have to sort out the mess.
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