New School Census Data
Academy schools are not required to publish information about their activities. Our requests were turned down when we asked for an explanation about the demonstration and fracas outside The Fred Best Academy A-Go-Go last week. Our gallant reporter, Teagan Short, sought out his pupil contact, Sebastian Fuchs, and found out that the demonstration was to oppose the requirement for all schools to collect new information for the school census data. The demonstrators said the information requested was an unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of pupils and their families.
School Cuttings
Q. What happened last Wednesday outside the school?
Do you mean Dalgeith Malone’s mum driving her 4x4 BMW over the parent who said her monstrous car was destroying the planet? Or do you mean the attack on the drug dealer?
Q. What attack on which drug dealer?
There was a new drug dealer at the gate at lunchtime. He was a girl. Two sixth form lads went out to steal her drugs ‘cos she was only a girl. She beat them up but ran away when Clash Connolly’s big brother drove up. He owns the gate for drugs at lunchtime.
Q. What about the demonstration and the fight after school?
Oh that. My form tutor organised it. She made us all walk up and down with placards protesting against male chauvinism, racism, discrimination and the victimisation of the disenfranchised.
Q. Do you know what all that means?
No. We learned the words by heart so we could chant it together. She said we had to shout it together or no one would take notice of us.
Q. I understand it was a demonstration against the new data requirements in the school census.
Was it? She said it was about calling kids aliens and refugees and foreign and branding them on the forehead so that the Border Agency knows who to throw out of the country.
Q. Why did your teacher lead the demonstration?
She's like that. She said our school was wrong ‘cos the head principal executive told any kid he didn’t like the look of to bring in a passport so he could tell if the kid was real or not. Clouseau Johnson in my form group is black so he had to give in a passport. There was loads of other black kids had to do the same ‘cos Ed the Geezer, he’s the head executive, or whatever he is called, doesn’t like black kids, or Indians, or Irish, or Australians even though we don’t have no Australians. The white ones who are foreign and can say some English words were not asked for a passport, except for the Irish ‘cos Ed the Geezer said he can tell them just be looking at them. Clouseau moved here from Birmingham and is black although he is from Wales, so maybe that is why he had to give a passport to prove he is real. We never knew he was from Wales until we saw his passport. Now it’s ok to attack him when we want.
Q. Did your teacher say why the school wanted passport numbers?
Yeah. A government said all schools had to do it this year. As well as counting how many kids are in the school, the registers have to say who is foreign. This is so that when the school is raided by the Border Agency, like on tele when they raid Indian takeaways and Chinese restaurants, they can grab the foreign kids and take them to the coast and throw them into the sea. Beef O’Clancy said his dad won the vote last June to send people back over the seas to where they came from so he is now entitled to beat up foreigners and shout names at them ‘cos it’s now the law. Beef said some kid in Year 10 was grabbed by the Border Agency in the middle of a PE lesson when Ed the Geezer fingered him. The kid was dragged away in the van without being allowed to get changed and the PE staff sold his clothes. No one has seen the kid since then. We think he is drowned, or he has been locked up in that Jungle in France, or he might be off sick.
Q. Did anything else happen?
Four passports were stolen by a kid in Year 11 who knows a man who buys and sells passports. Simmy Hoo in Year 8 brought in a passport his mum bought from the bloke who runs the chippie. The photo was of a girl but Simmy’s teacher didn’t know it wasn’t Simmy who is from Tibet and easy to pick out ‘cos of the funny hat he wears. The teacher said all kids looked the same to him and he couldn’t tell one from the other.
Q. What happened to your teacher after the demonstration?
She wasn’t allowed into the school for a day until she promised to wear all her clothes again. She took them off for the demonstration and held a small placard over her bits and pieces. She told us that would grab attention. Dads collecting their kids said she was a real cracker and chatted her up. That’s why some mums attacked her and that caused the fight. Ed the Geezer didn’t like her fighting naked because she blocked the traffic when the cars and buses stopped to have a look. We didn’t like her showing her naked body. She is an adult and not like the ones on the porn films we see. Anyway we had seen Nadgie Bennett strip off to show her breasts when we paid her to do it in primary school. We slipped away when the fight started because we were fed up being in the school all day.
Q. Thank you Sebastian
Yeah. Ok.
