Sett Blatter to be chief exec of Worcestershire Academy.
At the heated monthly meeting of the Parish Council, parents of Nether Smidgen-over-the-Wold Primary School were overjoyed at the news that Sett Blatter was to be approached with a sweetener to entice him to turn their school into an Academy Trust before it was gobbled up by a Multi Academy Trust, known locally as ‘the money-making MAT machine’.
Himmler Giegersonner, a local farmer (motto: we grow children with fresh milk) who delivers milk daily to the school said that his experience of prosecution last year for unlawfully employing illegal workers made him realise that in the face of interfering busybodies from outside who knew nothing about nothing in the countryside it was vital to block their meddling ways. Himmler’s proposal to fend off the townies and invite Blatter with suitable enticements was seconded by Willie Arbuthnot from the Alliance of Strawberry Growers and Goat Cheese Makers and by Mildred Sidebotham (Mrs) from the God-fearing Parents and Ramblers of Worcestershire – ‘proud to keep the countryside for country folk who have lived there all their lives’.
Syd Sproutley, the acting chair of governors at the school, said that autonomy would improve standards. "There would be no interfering by local authority intruders or by the Ofsted expectorators telling us what to do, or asking what had happened to the money". He argued vehemently that a filthy-rich bloke, expert in international finance and well versed in the proceedings of law enforcement agencies would easily fend off a money-making MAT machine.
He went on, at great length, to argue that a money-making MAT machine would close the school to build houses on the playing field, increasing the number of incomers in the village. Furthermore, the closure would raise the dire prospect of the village children being transported by Shenanigans Bus and Luxury Hearse Hire to a school in Evesham where they would be forced to mix with kids who do not transfer to private schools at age 11.
The meeting was suspended while PC Glendower Fu Shoo removed a group of parents who persisted in raising difficult points about Blatter’s suitability because of his “alleged” activities that came to light last year. They also shouted that there was no evidence that giving autonomy necessarily led to improvement. If the same or similar useless prats were in charge there would be no improvement in what went on.
The ensuing fracas was sparked by the vicar’s wife, Sarah Goodsoul Jenkins. She complained that none of the dissenters were churchgoers. Worse still, they were incomers, tax-dodgers and off-shore investors and should be run out of the village naked while being flogged with hazel twigs. Some of the older men enlivened the proceedings by recounting similar practices from their youth when ritual nakedness was popular in the area. Objects, as well as words, began to fly in the maelstrom of abuse and shouted ripostes from both sides.
The debate resumed, after order was restored, with a telling intervention by the Clerk to the Council. He argued that giving autonomy to individuals leads to improvement, as the Secretary of State for Education claimed. He apologised when the minuting secretary asked for the Secretary of State’s name, saying he could not remember, nor could anyone else in the meeting. He quoted the example of the benefits generated by Gandhi and Nelson Mandela in South Africa, both of whom were killed in the cause of autonomy.
He refused to be drawn when Billy Tuggerstone pointed out that things had not gone well when Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein had autonomy. Matters had deteriorated when these two were taken out and the people, who had survived slaughter while being liberated, were told they must have the benefits of autonomy and democracy, even if these were alien to their tribal instincts and hundreds of year of culture.
Billy’s further point about the consequences of R. Mugabe being given autonomy was lost when many in the meeting thought he was talking about the thatcher who lives on a barge near Bidford, the one who did such a good job on the pub’s roof two years ago.
The members voted to defer a final decision on the issue to the next meeting of the Parish Council when it was pointed out that the Secretary of State for Education, still no one could remember her name, would probably do a U-turn after the EU referendum in June.
